What am i doing??

Hmm...it's been very looong eyh....
Don't know why but out of all day..i feel like writing today...
*act, i'm running from reading my super loong n full of theories text book.. Urghh
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I've been in loove with arashi (a japanese boy band) eversince 7 years ago but this year, i kind of like experiencing a BOOM!! I watched..listened..read everything bout them..well, you can say, my life now is like having them by my side...they are like my daily drug dosage!

But..........

I know, as a muslim, i have to put my GOD, ALLAH n HIS MESSENGER Muhammad pbuh first infront of evrything..no matter how much i love someone, that love can't be higher than love towards my religion...it is the only way of staying in the right path..it is the the only way to keep me from straying.....
I have been thinking you know, i really want to master japanese..so that i can watch arashi's video without waiting for the sub crazily n unpatiently...then a thought strucked me :
" how bout arabic? Why don't you have the urge of learning it? Don't you want to understand what is been stated in the Qur'an? Don't you want to understnd what you say in your prayers??"
That thought made me feel guilty against my own feeling...
The interest to learn arabic just never appear! Sometimes i feel sick of myself! Putting something else in front of my own religion...well, maybe you don't feel like that but i do and i feel disgusted at that fact!

That's why, like how they are my daily drug dosage... I will make sure i take the daily medicine as well.. -reading The Qur'an- so that i won't forget who i am; a Muslim...

Truthfully saying, i am afraid of the future..not knowing of what awaits me...my death..the afterlife..it is too unknown to all humans that make it too unimaginable and too scary...
I am scared of the future.. Here you can see that i am a person that plan something ahead..i want things to go well by planning it..so if i am clueless about the future...it makes me scared! It is true that :-

'human plans and God is the one that decide which HE is the BEST DECIDER for HE is the MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE....'

I have been holding on to this phrase to spark confidence in me.. But when it comes to death and afterlife...it shivers me! Having imaginary images on HELL is too unbearable! What more on experiencing the HELL itself!

That's it i guess for now.... Maybe part 2 is coming up...maybe...because it seriously depend on my laziness...too lazy means no post...

random bebel-ing～

Assalamu'alaikum~

yaah~ sashiburi da ne~

ano ne, kino, kekka ga riisusare~
yaah... hyaku-ten ni wa dekinai kedo...kekka ga warukunai...hachijuhachi-ten
chotto kanashi desu.. datte jibun no mokuhyo o tassei suru koto ga dekimasendeshita..
kore kara dorama toka ega toka...mo mite imasen...kana~ mizukashii yo...sore...dorama to ega wa watashi no kofuku no minamoto desu kara...
kore kara motto motto ganbarimasu! hyaku-ten no mokuhyo o tassei shimasu !　jibun no tame ni...mirae no tame ni...kazoku no tame ni...soshte, jinsei no tame ni....

WAAH~~ FUKAI DESU YO NE~
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okay..end of japan-romanji talk~ it's just basically about my recent result and bout my motivation....nothing more.. actually, this post is to talk bout the thing that I like..
recently, someone ask me a question.."who are your idol?Give me three answers" one of my answer is ARASHI (3rd place though)
somehow, it shocked me as well..why the heck am i giving out such answer ? a jpop band for my idol? i'm not even a japanese!! first of all, what is actually the meaning of IDOL ? someone that you want to follow ? someone that you want to be in the future ? different person surely have different perception..for me, IDOL is someone that have a big impact in my life...i answered the idols that popped up in my head...the reason iiiisss~~~~

only one simple sentence - they are part of what i am today...
I've been their fan for about 6 years already..from them I learnt about Japan...from them I learnt about friendship...from them I learnt about you can do anything if you work hard..i mean, they're not just singers and actors...they have their on variety show that made them do crazy stuff...
such as...
- go to the mountains..forest...they almost died for doing dangerous thing inside the forest..
- they spend one day being grandchildren to grandparents that they never met...things they make to make the grandparents happy..work with cows..plucking strawberries...making tofu...etc..
-people of every range like them..kids to grandparents know bout them...and like them..

watching them, something urge me to go to Japan one day..that's why i've been learning japanese all by myself..(self-study) like crazy.. i can speak a little bit..but kanji is still something i really don't get it untill now.. if possible, i want to go to Japan..explore every inch of the country...explore their culture...looking and watching their people... i once thought -> "i have to study hard if i want to go to japan...it costs a lot to go there..so study hard..have a good career..get a lot of money and go there"
most of my friends did not understand this...they just thought it's just an obsession..just like how others are obses with kpop..western artist..bieber and others..
　　　　　　When i am blabbing in japanese-romanji, even one of them stop following me in twitter..because she did not understand what i'm saying and it kind of annoyed her...whenever i'm blabbing in a different language than my mother tougue, that just mean my tension is very high or very low...either i'm very happy..or very sad..or very disappointed..or very annoyed...i can't express it in a language that other understand...but i can't keep it to myself either..i just have to write it down somewhere and only my phone is beside me...truthfully speaking, when i notice that she unfollowed me, it kind of disappoint me..'so, our friendship value is just that little....' that is what i feel...i'm not a person that can get mad face to face..or can cry infront of others.i don't want to hurt the other party's feeling eventhough it hurts me deep down...that's just me..i tried to change it but i can't..i'm a very boring person..i can't easily reply to others in a funny words..i can't easily make joke..watching people joke to each other..laugh with each other..get mad at each other..talk back to each other..i can't do that..i'm very jealous of that..get sad while wondering, why in the world i can't do that? my marriage life ...will it be boring because i'm a boring person? it kind of feel like i can fade and disappear from anyone's life so easily....and the next moment i know, my heart is crying..i feel lonely...that's why, only by watching Arashi and praying to ALLAH is the way i release my tension...

hmm...somehow, this already turn to be my diary..aiyaa~~

sore ja, mata ashita~

Wassalam :)